When Demons Strike: An Open Letter to Myself

I have started jotting this down at exactly 3:50 AM last night. Random ramblings like this will keep on preventing me to have fitful slumber if they aren't expressed. Some thoughts are meant to run wild once in a while.  

Dearest MACG,

           Oh look at you. Those demons are roaring loud, infusing insecurity on your system. I guess aside from caffeine, they possess so much more power to keep you wide awake while indulging with self-hate..Yes, you may seem exuberating with a gargantuan confidence whenever you expose yourself to the world and to the people surrounding you, but little did they know that going to sleep is a struggle for you because your  insecurity is such a big, fat opportunist and it screams the loudest at that point wherein you are preparing for dozing off. Then those demons lurking in the dark will slowly ruin your eunoia. 

16 years of existence. 5'2 in height. Average looks. Not-so-pleasing personality but got a badass dose of confidence whenever needed but your attitude is really a flop. Well, you do have a bunch of youngsters who admire you, and you somehow feel appreciated all at once. They would go cray about your appealing looks (according to them) and writing or speaking skills (though you're far cry from a pro), they would go stalk you, shower consecutive likes on your photos, and message you telling how beautiful you are but after a week or so they would just disappear and you would find them admiring someone else who's better than you. 

And you're just there, proceeding with life though it might have felt pretty bad that it was just a momentary admiration. In a sudden you would go compare yourself with some other girls at your age who reap a lot of achievements as soon as you age. You would see a picture of them parading their success, going to a place you've been wanting to be at but you cannot because you are restricted, hanging out with their beloved squad, and showing so much affection with their boyfies and all. It will make you realize how much you don't have.

Now you will compare the amount of likes they get compared to yours (ridiculous but that's just how you are) and you would use that as a basis for your beauty and worth. You're not famous, you're not as fabulous and gorgeous you think you are. 

Who even do you think you are? You are nothing but just a speck of dust in this universe. Nobody really loves you, that's why they don't stay. Your friends left you, your lover did too. Maybe because there's really something wrong with you or maybe you're just not the type of person who people will have a likely disposition to gravitate to. You are better off alone. Because nobody would rather be with you who's an angel with a halo at start with those heart-eyed emoticons but later on you will turn into a selfish bitch who doesn't really have a genuine care for them. That's what really you are. You expect people to deal with that? Well, you are not the "Oh-damn-she's-so-pretty-af" kinda gal that others would endure being with despite her bitchy attitude so don't be that delirious. 

You want to be a stewardess? Damn girl you don't even have a nice set of teeth and your height sucks. Look at your body. Just wish you luck that you would grow taller. taller through the years but how would that hapoen if you don't even grind? Furthermore, your irregular sleeping pattern is a bummer to that dream of yours. Look at your body, oh girl do you even have a butt? Ha-ha. Better start working out or you will be never deemed sexy in this generation. 

More of these thoughts will hit replay on your head. (Insecurity intensifies) You would turn to Him who has become the sole reason of your existence. "God, why did you even create someone as useless as me? I don't even have a talent. I can't do anything but eat, sleep and surf the net for the rest of my days. I can't go somewhere else I wanted my sould to be at. We're not even that rich to get what I want. I'm just nothing but an average individual. When will you start revealing my purpose do I can start working on it now so that the span of my years living here will be lessened?" 

That's what you rant to God everytime these insecurities attack you. Not good to know that a gal like you who has that deep sense of connection with Him will have those thoughts running, but you're just being honest to Him. You've been feigning your confidence for way too long and you can't keep that forever. 

Actually, you don't blame others for being better than you, instead you blame yourself for being not good enough - nothing but a mediocre. 

These pessimism-subjected thoughts would go play in a loop until they gradually fade. Self-doubt, inferiority and insecurity will tuck themselves on every part of your brain. But let me just remind you of those lines you've submitted on your high school yearbook as your life mantra: 

EMBRACE THE GLORIOUS MESS THAT YOU ARE; NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. 

(C) tumblr.com

Live up to those thoughts, okay? You have to realize your worth. Oh darling you badly need to because you are amazing. You really are, believe me. But you being stubborn, I know you won't still be convinced because you need someone else to attest that claim. 

You say you are better off alone but deep inside of yours, you just need someone whose love will roar louder than those demons. You need someone who will constantly remind you how beautiful you are inside and out and you are always worth it. 

You are a marvelous person and the only way to go is forward always put that in your heart, mind and soul. Do not measure your value with this current society's gauge. And please, do not place your worth in someone's tendency to stay. They will leave because they aren't meant to stay in your life. Not because there's something wrong with you.

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will simply be without any reasons nor excuses at all. Likewise, some friends who are better off without you should be left as they are. You cannot please them to have you back in their lives. Just deal with it, darling. Maybe a new set of pals will come on your way and they are a better company that the previous one. Treat those people who left you with good riddance. 

So keep your head up, keep your heart strong. Damn, you didn't let anybody else give themselves a consent to feel like an inferior, but you gave one to yourself. Keep those eyes open, will you?! You got a couple of amazing parents by your side and you will always be a princess to them. Your family is such a gem, get yourself up from the pool of negativities so you won't keep a blind eye to those blessings which God is showering you with. What you have is just enough, darling. You are just asking for more. But please, just don't. All you gotta do is wait and chill for more blessings impending your way. Don't rush nor give in to eagerness. 

Something life-changing will eventually uplift your spirit, Alright? Just for once, take a moment and kick those demons away by yourself. Be appreciative for what you have.

Lastly, 

Patience. 

Patience. 

Patience. 

A lot more patience. 

Loving you so dearly, 

-*-*-*- 

Damn that felt so good. *Sighs in huge relief*