Two Wounds

Whenever we tend to be a little careless and trip over something, consequently making us fall on our knees, there's a large catch of possibility for us to: 

A. Get hurt 
B. Get Wounded 
C. Be Sprained 
D. All of the above

A single wound can inflict so much pain on our system, regardless of our tolerance level. Others may seem tough and belittle that wound, but somehow it would still ache. Specially during the healing process in which you are to disinfect the wound and let an alcohol run through it- and it stings like the way memories hit you. 

Tackling its figurative side, that wound actually represents a BREAKUP, which hurts and takes time to heal. In the end, these wounds will turn into scars which could be no longer obvious but they leave an indelible spot on your body. 

Meaning, we cannot really take these breakups off our minds. They cannot be totally forgotten, even if we have already moved on. Some scars aren't removable and we just have to learn to live with them. 

But the question is: 
What if you have gotten a wouned you are trying so hard to endure and heal but not after a long time, you had another one? 

Worst case scenario: It's bigger and greater than the preceding wound - A FRIENDSHIP BREAKUP. This is probably the most crestfallen type of breakup that anybody could experience. Well, it depends if your former lover holds more importance than your best pals, but of course for the majority it's the latter which matters more. Therefore, a friendship taking its toll tends to be more painful than having a guy/girl end things with you. 

Recently, I just had that terrible experience. 

Another night of trembling lips, brimming tears cascading down my cheeks and feeling something breaks inside of me. I am still in a healing process of a wound in my heart and yet here comes another one. This is not to ask for sympathy but now I am scared to get attached with people because once they opt to leave, you would feel that something inside of you bursts and dies at the same time. It's just scary and you would feel that paranoia when somebody comes to your life, then they will just leave no matter how much you gave your best just to make 'em stay. 

I have no one to run to. At the very moment I felt so alone. But of course, I know to myself that my mind is overthinking just because of seemingly interconnected series of unfortunate events  I AM NOT ALONE. 

i HAVE HIM. I have our God the highest. He never leaves, He never left and He never will. 

Oh, something crossed my mind that night; my fellow member from our ministry, PPM has read an excerpt from a devotional book she is currently reading: 

"When important individuals go away, we are sad, until we see that they are meant to go, so that the only thing left for us to do - to look into the face of God for ourselves"

I asked her then, "How can I apply this the last line? (to look into the face of God for ourselves) She answered my query right away, "Just spend time with God, seek His face alone, and just desire to be with Him. Remember: His ways are higher than our ways." 

I decided then to put my phone aside and had a one-to-one encounter with God - I solemnly prayed without any distractions and before I can even process a thought, the tears just kept on flowing like a rivulet. However, I still managed to be sensitive with His voice - even more sensitive than the usual. 

Me: God, why do those people choose to leave me? 

God: Because they aren't meant to stay in your life. Their purpose on you has ended but it doesn't mean you are alone and you have to stop living up to your own purpose.. Don't keep a blind eye to the other blessings you have. There's so much more to life than those problems. 

 In case you are wondering, this is not a kind of weird, extended hallucinations but yeah I can hear His voice. If you do not buy that fact, grab a chair and wait for me to care. (JK)

At that moment, when I felt "nothing" because those important people are now gone in my life, His greatness lifted my spirit up and replaced that "nothing" with "everything" I became uncharacteristically optimistic and I was filled with unwavering resilience. It feels so good that I can really feel that these circumstances are under His will. He wanted me to desire more of Him and Him alone, so He cut off the distractions along my journey of seeking His kingdom.

It also made think about my parents and how lucky I am still to have them. I can actually tolerate if everyone leaves me, but I can't if my parents will no longer be by my side. I realized how much I should love them because at the end of it all, they will be the ones who will care and make me feel that I am worth it and loved. 

If I were to visualize myself that night, it was like I was kicked and drowned to the sea of complexities and suddenly I had an anchor and that made me get myself out of the major fuss. I confidently stood up amidst the disaster and thought, "Hey! These experiences are ought to make me better! Not to get me stuck in a place wherein I will not grow and will constantly blame the world for my existence." 

Maybe I just have to learn lessons the hard way. These wounds are blessings in disguise and I should just probably just stop touching them to have an ability to cope up immediately..I am still fortunate enough compared to others. My Mom consoled me yesterday and we had a good session of parental talk, I felt more driven and fueled to achieve my goals in life. I suddenly want to get out and explore the realms of world. I want to make those people realize that their absence in my life isn't the end of me.

I will still keep on slaying, peeps. *Gives flying kisses*   

    Love lots,

Read More

When Demons Strike: An Open Letter to Myself

I have started jotting this down at exactly 3:50 AM last night. Random ramblings like this will keep on preventing me to have fitful slumber if they aren't expressed. Some thoughts are meant to run wild once in a while.  

Dearest MACG,

           Oh look at you. Those demons are roaring loud, infusing insecurity on your system. I guess aside from caffeine, they possess so much more power to keep you wide awake while indulging with self-hate..Yes, you may seem exuberating with a gargantuan confidence whenever you expose yourself to the world and to the people surrounding you, but little did they know that going to sleep is a struggle for you because your  insecurity is such a big, fat opportunist and it screams the loudest at that point wherein you are preparing for dozing off. Then those demons lurking in the dark will slowly ruin your eunoia. 

16 years of existence. 5'2 in height. Average looks. Not-so-pleasing personality but got a badass dose of confidence whenever needed but your attitude is really a flop. Well, you do have a bunch of youngsters who admire you, and you somehow feel appreciated all at once. They would go cray about your appealing looks (according to them) and writing or speaking skills (though you're far cry from a pro), they would go stalk you, shower consecutive likes on your photos, and message you telling how beautiful you are but after a week or so they would just disappear and you would find them admiring someone else who's better than you. 

And you're just there, proceeding with life though it might have felt pretty bad that it was just a momentary admiration. In a sudden you would go compare yourself with some other girls at your age who reap a lot of achievements as soon as you age. You would see a picture of them parading their success, going to a place you've been wanting to be at but you cannot because you are restricted, hanging out with their beloved squad, and showing so much affection with their boyfies and all. It will make you realize how much you don't have.

Now you will compare the amount of likes they get compared to yours (ridiculous but that's just how you are) and you would use that as a basis for your beauty and worth. You're not famous, you're not as fabulous and gorgeous you think you are. 

Who even do you think you are? You are nothing but just a speck of dust in this universe. Nobody really loves you, that's why they don't stay. Your friends left you, your lover did too. Maybe because there's really something wrong with you or maybe you're just not the type of person who people will have a likely disposition to gravitate to. You are better off alone. Because nobody would rather be with you who's an angel with a halo at start with those heart-eyed emoticons but later on you will turn into a selfish bitch who doesn't really have a genuine care for them. That's what really you are. You expect people to deal with that? Well, you are not the "Oh-damn-she's-so-pretty-af" kinda gal that others would endure being with despite her bitchy attitude so don't be that delirious. 

You want to be a stewardess? Damn girl you don't even have a nice set of teeth and your height sucks. Look at your body. Just wish you luck that you would grow taller. taller through the years but how would that hapoen if you don't even grind? Furthermore, your irregular sleeping pattern is a bummer to that dream of yours. Look at your body, oh girl do you even have a butt? Ha-ha. Better start working out or you will be never deemed sexy in this generation. 

More of these thoughts will hit replay on your head. (Insecurity intensifies) You would turn to Him who has become the sole reason of your existence. "God, why did you even create someone as useless as me? I don't even have a talent. I can't do anything but eat, sleep and surf the net for the rest of my days. I can't go somewhere else I wanted my sould to be at. We're not even that rich to get what I want. I'm just nothing but an average individual. When will you start revealing my purpose do I can start working on it now so that the span of my years living here will be lessened?" 

That's what you rant to God everytime these insecurities attack you. Not good to know that a gal like you who has that deep sense of connection with Him will have those thoughts running, but you're just being honest to Him. You've been feigning your confidence for way too long and you can't keep that forever. 

Actually, you don't blame others for being better than you, instead you blame yourself for being not good enough - nothing but a mediocre. 

These pessimism-subjected thoughts would go play in a loop until they gradually fade. Self-doubt, inferiority and insecurity will tuck themselves on every part of your brain. But let me just remind you of those lines you've submitted on your high school yearbook as your life mantra: 

EMBRACE THE GLORIOUS MESS THAT YOU ARE; NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. 

(C) tumblr.com

Live up to those thoughts, okay? You have to realize your worth. Oh darling you badly need to because you are amazing. You really are, believe me. But you being stubborn, I know you won't still be convinced because you need someone else to attest that claim. 

You say you are better off alone but deep inside of yours, you just need someone whose love will roar louder than those demons. You need someone who will constantly remind you how beautiful you are inside and out and you are always worth it. 

You are a marvelous person and the only way to go is forward always put that in your heart, mind and soul. Do not measure your value with this current society's gauge. And please, do not place your worth in someone's tendency to stay. They will leave because they aren't meant to stay in your life. Not because there's something wrong with you.

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will simply be without any reasons nor excuses at all. Likewise, some friends who are better off without you should be left as they are. You cannot please them to have you back in their lives. Just deal with it, darling. Maybe a new set of pals will come on your way and they are a better company that the previous one. Treat those people who left you with good riddance. 

So keep your head up, keep your heart strong. Damn, you didn't let anybody else give themselves a consent to feel like an inferior, but you gave one to yourself. Keep those eyes open, will you?! You got a couple of amazing parents by your side and you will always be a princess to them. Your family is such a gem, get yourself up from the pool of negativities so you won't keep a blind eye to those blessings which God is showering you with. What you have is just enough, darling. You are just asking for more. But please, just don't. All you gotta do is wait and chill for more blessings impending your way. Don't rush nor give in to eagerness. 

Something life-changing will eventually uplift your spirit, Alright? Just for once, take a moment and kick those demons away by yourself. Be appreciative for what you have.

Lastly, 

Patience. 

Patience. 

Patience. 

A lot more patience. 

Loving you so dearly, 

-*-*-*- 

Damn that felt so good. *Sighs in huge relief* 

Read More

Maybe the Stars Didn't Align for Us

Destiny and Fate – two of the most controlling forces that make two people gravitate towards each other no matter how far they wander. They will cross paths despite the entire circumstance they are facing. Through the years, they might fall apart but they will always find a way back. The universe will be the one to cause them cross paths again and rekindle the love they once had. They don’t have to battle against all the odds, because in the end, no matter what they do the triumph is theirs. They are simply meant to be, through all the trials and hurdles they encountered along the journey of their love, they ended up being on each others’ arms - fortunate individuals.

On the other side, there is a couple who has been through a lot. Every day is a challenge to survive. As they wake up on their beds, the unpredictable happenings are getting stirred and prepared for the two of ‘em. No one knows about the day they are about to face but there’s a high probability they might end up into a major fuss and petty fight as the usual. No matter how much they try, it’s always a flop. No matter how often the girl pleads to God for them to get through that day peacefully, the guy inevitably screws up, and that’s a signal for another round of clashing sides and justifications.  From the saccharine exchange of messages in the morning, they end up into long, dreary arguments which usually take a week to be totally repaired. The girl once asked her mother, “Mom, do you believe that two people are really destined together? Or we create our own destiny? As if I wanted this guy to be with me til the end of time and we did everything to fight for our love, will we end up with each other even destiny says no?” The mother answered, “No. I believe in destiny. Someone out there is destined for you. You might have met him already or not, but no matter how far you push him away, he’ll always find a way back to you.” 

----

At that point I realized that we cannot force compatibility. If it’s not meant to be, it’s just not and vice versa. Bur they say we hold a pen to this story called life, thus we create our own battles and we have a sense of control on what happens in our lives.

So my mindset was, I cannot fully succumb to the power of destiny. I wanted to create my own. If I want something badly, I would freaking go out of my way and go get it. Should I step out of my comfort zone and get hurt in the process, perseverance shall remain intact in my vocabulary. I am a firm believer that if you want something/someone, you would get them if you are willing to gear up and fight all those odds, sans the help of destiny and fate.

  

But I guess I have erred on that absurd theory clouding inside my silly head. My strength, worth, energy and happiness will just be discarded into drainage if I keep on pursuing someone just because I wanted that person so bad. It’s like I am jeopardizing myself into an edge of a cliff for an attempt of reaching what’s on the other end and the person who serves as the subject of all these foolish moves is the one behind me, slowly pushing me towards the deep abyss next to the cliff.

I have to raise the white flag and admit defeat; we are only meant to become star-crossed lovers – opposed by fate and disapproved by destiny. You might still love me (even your actions show otherwise) and I undeniably feel the same way. But unfortunately, the stars just don’t align for us, and I should lay all my armor down now and probably just wait for someone to fight for/with me, not fight against me. If it’s not on your will to be that “someone” then that no longer holds an inclusion in my business. I have done everything I could, enough is enough. 

Xoxo, 

Read More

My Broken Promises to Myself

I always tell myself that I will no longer write about you.
I will not reminisce the past.
I won't let myself be enslaved by the pain of you not being on my arms.
I will no longer care.
No more tweets will be about you.
Your name won't come out from my mouth anymore, and even if you slip from my tongue it won't affect all my systems.
Because I am trying to convince myself a hundred times that you no longer care about me.
Gone was the guy who I used to love.
Similar physique but you are now screaming a different persona to me.
Same eyes that used to piece through my soul, but now they are stone cold.
Same hands that used to me intertwine with mine, but now the spaces on them seem to be doing fine without my fingers filling their spaces.

How did we even end up with this? Why did YOU let us be in this way?
I promised myself not to question things that are inevitable and immutable. But I always break that promise the same way you have broken yours.

It's such an irony how you could be the most mysterious person who came into my life, knowing that we used to be inseparably close before. I can't even look at your pictures anymore because it feels like you're a stranger, a stranger who came into my life and left me with some indelible memories I cannot seem to wash off my mind no matter how hard I attempt.

I promise myself not to accept your apologies once you come back.
But for you I am always a forgiver.
I promise myself don't get burned by the same fire twice.
But no, you told me you will be back and it fueled the fire in me again which remains imperishable since the day we met.

I promise myself not to expect for an extension of our story.
But you gave me another false hope, asshole.

I promise myself not to give in,
But I always do when it comes to you.

I promise myself to remain strong.
But then our song plays on the radio and it wear off my armor of pretense.

I promise myself not to miss you,
But I find myself waking up in the morning searching for your presence beside the empty space of my bed.

When will you even realize that I love you so freaking much that I am willing to break these promises to myself just to have you back?

But above all these, there is one promise that remains unbroken:

The promise that I will never ever give up on you.


PS: 
Please read between the lines, 
I still love you.

Read More

Loathe ye, Road

Why does loving always end up in a woeful goodbye?
Lips of yours moved in a dulcet "Hi" as I walk by.
Dear It felt so good, I seemingly ascended the sky.
But as our ways diverged; sadness has existed high.

Your named used to trigger my endorphins.
But now it have turned to a gist can't seem to sink in.
You used to call me Aphrodite.
Never thought how much a flimflam it could be.

There are some things who ought to deceive.
Ain't anyone should be too gullible to believe.
You've hurt me once, torned me twice.
And this numb I am, still have rolled the dice.

Perhaps, the essence of that road has gone.
There, Many people have ventured and trudged.
One day, a man and a woman shall soon too come.
Either they might be a melancholy or a sweet fudge.
But then I have to word out my brisk reminder:
That road was such a seething sucker.

Read More

Our Farewell's Beauteousness

 
Hey there, it's been a long time.
Each one's business thwarted us in touch.
I shall be a culprit, if only missing you is a crime.
Certainly, I ain't be asking for much too much.
However, I have to keep you reminded,
Your embraces and smooches are perfectly-binded
As though as they really existed to engulf my soul.

Time has never felt this snail-paced.
Distance has never felt this long-drawned-out.
A certain person not in sight never felt this crazed.
I've never felt the warm-fuzzies throughout,
Not until you've stumbled upon my insipid world.
Twitching it around with just a simple word.

'Til when should I insane myself with the timezones?
Still waiting in vain for a ring over the phone.
You call me up, but it ain't be enough.
Woeful tears cascade for my every huff.

Oh dear, Each farewell is a piece of sweet sorrow.
Nobody knows if the sun will illuminate tomorrow.
But every adieu is a fuel for this fire we've begotten.
Our adoration will ne'er be forgotten;
Henceforth 'till eternity.                
Won't be apart by any enmity.   

By: 

Read More

Cheesiness

Everything suddenly turn best.
With my head lying on your chest.
Hearing your heart ponder per ponder.
Hoping the end is never.

Let's dream our dreams.
Every fiber of our being,
Empowers each other's whims.
Together, our souls shall sing:

I am pristine in your embrace.
Nothing will go wrong,
Most beautiful sight is your face.
Dear, to you I really belong.

Gentle knocks on the door,
Endless repertoire of laughters
Spilling gently on the floor
No matter how it resembles a corn,
Our pointless jokes are guffaw-buster.
Loving you is why I am born.
I know we are too young,
But I hope you're the one.
My old shell suddenly gone
In to the void with a bang,
As you constantly adore me
like a frigid frame hung
At the concrete wall irrevocably.

Everything seems a ball of bliss.
With your presence I aint want to miss.
My swain, full of pultchritude swain.
My shielded heart is what you ain.
Let's be crazy together, stupefying the rest.
Let them be awed why we're the best.

By: 

Read More

Mr. Right in Process

State of uncertainty
Do you really like me?
Is everything just a pastime for you?
You always leave me out with no clue.

They say you're a trouble.
But instead to stop I just fell.
It didn't burst my happy bubble
Nor took off my shell.

Changing you has been my mission.
I believed you were Mr. Right - in process.
But that was just a vast delusion,
I'll never ever be your princess.

Your words are fragments of trickery.
Resembling a sweet candy factory.
They are too good to be true;
My senses jolt out of the blue.

Nobody could say it better.
From others it ain't be sweeter.
You, idiot just complete my day.
But 'fine' is all I could say.

You cross my mind all the damn time.
I'd be a millionaire, for every dime.
Is everything just a trifle matter?
I loathe these feelings I can't alter.

Stop bugging me; I say.
But when my phone vibrates,
I hope it shows your name.
I wanna stop hoping! If I just may.
But your effect on me doesn't decay.

Mr. Trouble, please improve yourself.
This burning desire isn't for myself.
I hope you become Mr. Right someday,
and find Ms. Right on the way.

-MACG

Read More